Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!