The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
