The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom