The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
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My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Jesus Christ lmao
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.