The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
You Might Also Like
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down