The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
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Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date