The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Just had my nails done!
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.