The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
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So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Can’t. Being lazy.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*