The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
You Might Also Like
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
At least my masseuse has my back.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?