Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

Short story

shut up and take my money

4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these