The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
You Might Also Like
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.