The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
You Might Also Like
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,