Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

Bruh

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

Cat is stressing him out.

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.