Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.