Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

We like the way Dwight thinks

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.