The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
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Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Good morning.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.