The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
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FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
2022 will be better than 2021
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.