Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Interior design 👌

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

You saw nothing. I am ham.

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.