The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
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[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”