@kelkulus

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

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@eff_yeah_steph

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

@ghostkrogh

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

@CelebrityChez

There’s no law that says you can’t make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party.

@Abusitron

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

@pajamawitch

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

@RichardDawkins

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

@Vodkantots

Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.

Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.

@exarctly

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

@KylePlantEmoji

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs