The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
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Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Made something I’m not proud of
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?