The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
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My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Me recordaron éste meme
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on