The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
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My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?