the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
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I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.