the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
You Might Also Like
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
👽
The real reason evolution started..😂
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.