The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
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Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I march to the beat of my own dumb
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?