Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

Best misinterpreted text ever!