The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
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Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.