Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”