The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
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Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?