the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
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I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy