Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

Warm pools make me nervous.

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.