the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
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Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.