the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
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H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Remember: The first step to recovery is addiction.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁