The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
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If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things