Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground