Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

Admin smashed it 😂

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.