Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

congratulations to them

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America