The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
You Might Also Like
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?