The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
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[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
😲 WTF? 😆
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Now colored!
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
multitasking lunch
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.