The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
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If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Its true…
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.