the clam before the storm
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I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton