the clam before the storm
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A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Had a spot of bother earlier.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
3% human
97% stress
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still