The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
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McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
The options really are this bad
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I’m sorry…what?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog