The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
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A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Who chose this font
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing