The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
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Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
first you must answer his riddles
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.