The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first