GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
You Might Also Like
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?