The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
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Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star