The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
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In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.