Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

This might be the funniest tweet ever

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift