The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
January has been Januweary
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it