The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
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[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Duolingo getting serious.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Wednesday
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Can you solve the riddle??
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.