[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
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I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
the world’s most popular steaming services
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.