[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
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BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I’ve had worse
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
