[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
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Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*