[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
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[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Y’all ready for this
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”