[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
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I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Does it…does it take 3 days
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
i wish all
whales
a very
big
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on