the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
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Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg