the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Thoughts
I just ran a .003048K
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Today’s Times
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.