the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
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What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.