the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle