Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”