The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
You Might Also Like
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Not even remotely sorry.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor