Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

🤣😂🤣

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.