The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
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Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.