Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”