Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out