Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family