the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
You Might Also Like
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
ok like just. call me at this point
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?