the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
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Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?