Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

Children of the corn 🌽

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

can you read it!!??

maan!

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.