The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
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Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.