The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
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My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
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I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.