The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
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Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Mmmm canned fish.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt