The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
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[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
you gotta be faster
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Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.